How to keep a teen involved in problem-solving when they aren’t sure what to try next.
You ask your teen, “What else could you try?”
And they say:
“I don’t know.”
I hear this response all the time when I’m working with students.
Sometimes they really don’t know. Sometimes they need more time to think. The question might feel too big, or they may have so many possibilities running through their mind that they don’t know which one to choose.
Whatever is happening, “I don’t know” can give us more information.
The tricky part is figuring out what to do next without immediately doing the thinking for them.
“I Don’t Know” Can Mean Different Things
When a student tells me they don’t know, I get curious about what kind of “I don’t know” I’m hearing.
Do they not understand the question?
Do they need more time?
Do they know part of the answer, but aren’t confident enough to say it?
Are there too many possibilities?
Are they worried about choosing the wrong answer?
Are they overwhelmed, tired, or having trouble accessing what they know in that moment?
Those situations may all sound exactly the same from the outside:
“I don’t know.”
But they don’t necessarily need the same response.
This is where self-awareness and metacognition become part of the conversation. We’re helping teens notice what is happening when they get stuck and begin figuring out what helps them move forward.
Try Adding a Little Scaffolding
In last week’s article about [cognitive flexibility and what happens when plans change], I shared one of the questions I use with students:
“What else could you try?”
I like this question because it leaves room for the student to do some of the problem-solving.
But sometimes the answer is going to be “I don’t know.”
We don’t have to abandon the question or immediately supply Plan B.
We can add a little more support.
I might say:
“Do you need a minute to think?”
Or:
“What part do you know?”
Or:
“Want to come up with two options together?”
I might narrow the question, remind the student of something that has worked before, or help them identify the part where they’re stuck.
The amount of support can change depending on what the student needs at that moment.
The “I Don’t Know” Tree
One way I like to think about this is as an “I Don’t Know” Tree.
Instead of treating “I don’t know” as the end of the conversation, we can use it as a place to branch out.
I don’t know.
→ Do you need more time?
Give them some space to think.
→ Is the question too big?
Make it smaller or more specific.
→ Do you know part of it?
Start with what they already know.
→ Are there too many options?
Narrow the choices.
→ Are you worried about getting it wrong?
Make room to test an idea rather than needing the perfect answer.
→ Are you stuck on what to try next?
Generate a couple of possibilities together.
The adult can still provide support. The difference is that we’re trying to keep the teen involved in the thinking.
Schoolwork Gives Us a Place to Practice
This comes up frequently when I’m working with students on school assignments.
If we’re working through a difficult math problem, for example, I might be less interested in whether I can help the student arrive at the answer and more interested in what they do when they don’t know what to do next.
Can they identify where they got stuck?
Can they look back at an example?
Can they decide what question they need to ask?
Can they identify someone they could reach out to for help?
Can they try another approach?
The math problem becomes a place to practice executive function skills.
This is one of the distinctions I see between tutoring and executive function coaching. Academic content can give us a real situation in which to practice planning, metacognition, problem-solving, self-reflection, and asking for help.
Those skills can then be used well beyond that particular assignment.
We Don’t Have to Remove All the Support
Greater independence develops over time.
There will be times when a teen can generate their own next step. Other times, they may need someone to narrow the choices or think through possibilities with them.
I pay attention to what part of the thinking the student can own right now.
Maybe today they need help coming up with two possible options, but they can choose between them.
Later, they may be able to generate the options themselves.
Eventually, “I don’t know” may be followed by their own question:
“What could I try?”
This is a skill worth practicing.
This Week’s Action Step
The next time your teen answers a question with “I don’t know,” resist filling in the answer right away.
Try getting curious about what kind of “I don’t know” you’re hearing.
You might ask:
“Do you need more time, a smaller question, or some help coming up with options?”
See where the conversation goes from there.
And I’m curious: What usually happens after your teen says “I don’t know”?
Want more support?
If you’re looking for practical ways to support executive function skills at home, join us in Raising Executive Function, our free community for parents and caregivers of middle and high school students. We share tools, short lessons, and ways to help teens build greater independence.
And if your teen could benefit from individualized executive function coaching, you can learn more about working with me at Kimberly Educates.
